Question of the Day: Day 188
Is it more important to be "right" in an argument or to save a relationship by giving in?
posted by Michelle at 8:34 AM
Friday, July 07, 2006
Previous Posts
- Question of the Day: Day 187
- Question of the Day: Day 186
- Question of the Day: Day 185
- Question of the Day: Day 184
- Question of the Day: Day 183
- Question of the Day: Day 182
- Question of the Day: Day 181
- Question of the Day: Day 180
- Question of the Day: Day 179
- Question of the Day: Day 178
7 Comments:
One of the most important pieces of advice I ever received was:
Before you attempt to "win" an argument with someone you love, you should ask yourself what it is worth to you to be "right" this time.
The answer to this question is dependent on your other core values, I think. Sometimes, the argument is over something so important that you need to assert yourself to keep from compromising your non-negotiables. Sometimes, having the "bragging rights" just isn't worth diminishing someone else and their point of view, whether you agree or not.
Both are equally unimportant.
Being "right" is a ridiculuous notion - everyone is always right, even if we erroneously express our terms of righness due to fear, anger, or the need for control. So, if we're always right, there's no need to argue.
A relationship cannot remain stable if people are "giving in", resentments tend to build to a boiling point from practicing compromise mentality. When things like this occur, statements like "You know what? I just don't care anymore! Do what you want!" If one person really doesn't care, then, the relationship needs to change. IMO, collaboration mentality is key - because relationships are mutual agreements - everyone in a relationship should care, otherwise, the level of the relationship is, essentially, a lie.
Most people get into a love relationship wanting it "to last forever, and never change." Relationships must be allowed to change to a different level. I have a couple of former lovers as good friends - we can confide in each other because, even though the level of our relationship has changed from "lover" to "friend", we know who we are, and know that we will be honest with and accepting of each other, no matter what. The relationship may change, but nobody has to be "right", and nobody has to compromise who they really are to make it seem so.
The important thing is to honestly express our opinions and emotions, and accept the expression of the other person's opinions and emotions - we're both right, we both have the option of behaving well, or badly, and we both have feelings that are important.
Differences manifest in any relationship, whether it be love, professional, transactional, deep friendship, or casual friendship. These differences can be celebrated as opportunities for collaboration and growth.
If a position cannot be agreed upon, than it can be harmoniously disagreed upon, and a solution should be reached that allows both people to be happy - the problem occuse when happiness is sacrificed for control.
If the aggregate positions, opinions, emotions, or expressions of the other person is unacceptable to who I am, then the level of the relationship is incompatible to harmonic existence, and should be adjusted to establish better parity.
I'm not sure this is what your were after, but it's what I can offer. :)
It is most important to have an opinion and have that opinion be respected.The "right" argument is only convincing if it is presented
without a need to convince through intimidation of any kind.
Dylan's song says "nobody's right if everybody's wrong"...
In other words, the old saying
"two wrongs don't make a right".
It is wrong to be so right that
the argument loses the difference and walls are built up as a result...
Opinions are like... you know the phrase. We all have our ideas about what we think is right. An argument is the situation when two peoples opinions clash. Its not about wrong or right. Its about having your OWN ideals.
I think that when you have a mature healthy relationship, you can reach a point where you agree to disagree. and respect each others opinions and beliefs. and learn from each other.
but I am an idealist. there are times when you have to make a decision whether the fight is worth it. And I usually state my case saying, thisis what I think. and if necessary give in so things will move along.
Geez, I dont like either of the options; being "right" well there's a word with a debatable meaning. I tend to see shades of grey. There are some things which are clearly black & white in my mind: child abuse, child porn, rape, tormenting any person emotionally or physically, etc. Then there are things which I see as generally wrong (many of the ten commandments i.e. stealing, adultry, blasphemy, false witness- but then there are sometimes circumstances to consider:
Is it wrong to lie or steal to save a life? (isolated incident)
Is it wrong to have an affair if it is based on love & a marriage has been empty & or abusive?
Is it wrong to slightly fudge numbers in order to be elegible for health insurance... knowing that you will be needing a major medical proceedure?
I generally do not have a strong need to be "right", but rather understood, or atleast not judged.
I also do not like to give in soley for the sake of saving a relationship... I'd come to resent that. I think that it's o.k. to be the first to offer an apology or hug if that's what is needed, but to compromise what I truly believe- NOT.
Being "right" is practically meaningless unless you are talking about immediate safety (I will take your car keys if you are trying to drive home intoxicated, etc) because right and wrong are opinions that can and will change but relationships are connections that should not be tested or damaged by ego driven issues.
that is a very hard question becasue when im right and know im right i want to be able to win the argument but its not worth losing a relationship. so then i would give him a 50% percent chance of being right. but if we didnt break up we wouldnt be able to make up which is what relationships are all about.
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