Question of the Day: Day 4
Why is it so hard for "couples" to have relationships?
What do you do to keep a relationship working?
What do you do to keep a relationship working?
posted by Michelle at 9:10 AM
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
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21 Comments:
These are tough questions!
I don't know that it's hard for couples to have relationships.
I will say that in order to keep a relationship working, both people have to communicate a LOT. Trust goes hand-in-hand with this much communication, of course.
People have to put the other person first in a relationship. They have to communicate this in many ways, not by just talking.
Communication is the key to any relationship... both parties have to be on the same page. Trust, respect, and support are essential to a lasting relationship.
From my limited experience of 6 years of marriage I'll say this: Couples need to communicate and express themselves. To be able to do so freely without reactionary responses and harsh words is key. Listening is key.
And finally, trying to be spontaineous and showing affection is important - routine can kill romance if you let it.
What everybody else has said is very important for a great relationship and also not to be so selfish because the relationship isn't about you. it is about the us. and some people need to control the other in order to make them feel better.
One reason it is hard to be a couple is because of arguements
or disagrements, witch is not uncommin for couples. A good way to help avoid this problem is to keep the noise level down between the two
I think it is hard for couples to have relationships because they say that opposites attract, and if you are opposites, you might not be able to agree on some things. The best thing that you can do to make a relationship healthy is not to try and push the person to do things. I was told once that a relationship is like holding sand in the palm of your hand, when you leave your hand open, the sand stays in place. But the moment that you try to hold the sand you start to close your fist and that's when the sand will fall between your fingers.
There are many different opinions on tnis question. Mine is that if you try and rush into a relationship to quickly the other person might lose interest in you. Or say that you sleap with that person to soon, your partner may loose a physical interest in you. Then they become bored and move on looking for someone else to mess with. That's why you always should try and find someone who is attracted to you mentally and amotionally instead of physically.
It is hard for couples to have relationships because there is alot of jealousy. Also there is alot distrust in most relationships. Most couples do not talk to each other any more all they relly do know is yell and curse at each other. That is why usually after that most people or couples do not want to talk to each other. Then they try not to bring it up but what happens when they do that is one of them will get mad about something else then they wiil bring the old problem up again and then you will get into a bigger fight. So what you should do is work out the other problems so it wont keep comeing up it is always ok to wait till you or the other person is not so upset so you can talk with out being cursed at or be disrecpected. So you should never leave with out trying to solve the problems because at times you may never know what will happen to the person you love. Because one day you may get into a argument and not say sorry or talk about it and that loved one could get kiled or die and you will always be thinking I should have said sorry and told them that I loved them, Because that happened to me and know every day I think of that and I have to deal with it the best that I can, and that reely hurts because it was my own sister and belive me you will always be in pain about it. So you should always try to work it out and not lave it undone.
It's hard because some people don't communicate that well and it's hard to know what the other person is feeling.
To keep a relationship going you just have to trust each other.
Really good points, Cecil!
As we talked in our group this morning (it was a great discussion) it was clear that while the "couple" relationships that were asked in this question are an important part of life we spent some talking about relationships in general.
We have relationships with our family, other people we may live with, friends, neighbors, classmates, and even the bus driver. The things that we brought up are equally important in ALL of our relationships.
I think that we have to always keep a low key filtering monitor in the back of our brains that is constantly making sure that our words and actions are delivered for the greatest good. Even if we have to give some feedback that may be painful or uncomfortable we can do that with love and understanding and not with blame or guilt then we have fluid communication that doesn't get dammed up behind the walls and barriers that can pop up for self-defense.
As I said this morning, I think that all of our relationships are delicate balancing acts of meeting the needs of another person while, at the same time, maintaining our own personal integrity. Almost any conflict can be overcome if we strive to maintain actions that are within our own boundaries.
If my interaction with another individual puts me in conflict with my own personal ethics then that conflict will likely overflow into that relationship. For this reason I choose to be friends with people whose values are similar to mine.
That's not to say that there can never be disagreements with people. But if we all have respect for one another then, even if we agree to disagree about something, we can all get along.
And I, too, had an experience that made me understand that I NEVER want to have ugly or painful words left out there to cause pain. There are times in life when that might very well be the last thing that was shared and that would just adding to an already tragic situation.
I just have to add that I am incredibly honored to be a part of this project and to read all of the thoughtful views that we are sharing and that the world is sharing back with us.
I'd just like to send a hug to Cecil H.
The same thing happened to me when I was 18 and my father died. It does get easier. It really does.
People have difficulty in relationships of all kinds. couples have a different aspect that is more intimate, and that can complicate things. or make them even stronger.
Communication and respect are the two most important things in any relationship. You have to work on those things from moment to moment.
love always needs a helping hand of faith too.
I think relationships become hard when people grow apart, when they don't want the same things out of a relationship and aren't completely honest with one another or themselves...and wait hopelessly for the other person to change. Of course, as others have said, honesty and communication are the key...and the safe ground to be one's authentic self and know that's okay and that's respected and cherished.
Sorry... but I'm a single man and have no wisdom I can give you firsthand.
I have chosen, through many years of trial and error, to be single and have arranged my life accordingly. It is not the best and it is not what I had originally hoped for as an adolescent.
The only bit of advice I can give you is to relate the Chinese Proverb about the dog who had a nice juicy bone from the butchers and was walking past a pond. He looked in the pond and saw another dog with a big juicy bone and he could not help but to drop his bone and grab for the one in the other dog's mouth. The other dog was his reflection and when he dropped his bone, it went deep into the pond and the dog was left without.
This only goes to try to teach you that when you are happy with enough, don't go looking for "the ultimate" relationship. If you want "the ultimate" then stay in the one you've got and work to improve the intimacy between yourself and your mate.
In my live in relationships I have found that unless I love enough to be OK with that person knowing my secrets and am willing to let the other person see the ridiculous parts of me, then I probably don't love them enough for a long-term relationship.
Cecil, having lost a fiancee in a similar situation, I can say that you can really hurt yourself with the "what if" questions. I can say that when I found a way to ask and receive forgiveness from her, then I felt free of my pain.
"Few can love well and wisely. The trick is to not care if you make a fool of yourself."
~Doctor Seagull~
Well, I think most couples who have failed did so because of 2 things: Each partner didn't know enough about themselves and wouldn't open up enough to be vulnerable to their partner.
So, the first logical step, at least in my opinion, is to figure out which core things are important to you. These would be the things that you just couldn't live without AND the things you couldn't tolerate in another. Any other differences are minor and just help to keep things interesting and allow you to learn.
The second step is to acknowledge that you will have to communicate openly with each other. It's a leap of faith. You just have to take the risk that the other person won't hurt you when you divulge the things that make you uneasy or scared. In return, you MUST do everything you can not to hurt the other when they tell you about their insecurities.
Maintaining the relationship takes work. The Hollywood fairytale idea just isn't real. That magical spark does not ensure that the couple will stay together. Instead, each partner must dedicate themselves to ensuring the other feels appreciated. Each partner has to do their part to surprise each other, to say "I love you" with more than just words, and to take the time to be alone together so as to accumulate more shared experiences and memories.
Its not hard for couples to have relationships. The hard part is that people have difficulty being patient, understanding, forgiving, and being consistant about it.
Dr. Harriet Lerner said "The best relationships are formed by people who can live very wall alone, but choose not to."
Dr. Leo Buscaglia talked a lot about love and relationships, and he repeatedly reminded his students that "You cannot possibly, ever truly love another human being, be with a human being, support, teach, enrich, help, or be with another person - until you know how to do those things for yourself."
I know, from my experiences with intimate relationships, that most of my problems are rooted in selfishness, which comes from fear, which comes from ignorance.
The Buddha said that "Ignorance is the only true sin, all suffering comes from it."
Intimacy requires compassion, and that ability to give freely cannot grow and extend to others in the face of ignorance. Empathy, compassion's active side, also cannot occur when I am ignorant of the condition of others.
I think that most couples have problems because they ignore their own needs and dreams - then, because one person is "giving everything" they have, the other is expected to do much the same. If one person feels like they're giving more, or getting less- the fear and ignorance kick in and the slfishness and anger ramps up.
Words like 'sacrifice', 'compromise', 'acquiesce', 'give in', 'submit', 'push', 'straighten out', describe how unhealthy relationships feel - other words like 'share', 'give', 'collaborate', 'respect', 'wonder', and 'trust' are common when thinking or talking about healthy relationships.
When things seem to go wrong, I get myself alone and look in the mirror for awhile, meditate upon who I see there, and dream of who I want to be. I can only choose for me.
they have different personalities keeping the relationship takes alot from both sides mainly trust.
There are "couples" and than there are couples. I think many couples find keeping a relationship going hard because they don't understand how to have a healthy relationship.
A lot of relationships consist of two teenagers (or people of any age, for that matter) bumping into eachother at the mall, deciding, after a series of exchanged niceties and smoky looks, that they are desperately in love and should hook up at once.
The majority of relationships in this world are founded on physical attraction. The man has his way with the women, she gets pregnant, they get married, and a year and a half later, she starts letting herself go and gains 200 pounds, extinguishing any burning passion that may have been driving the relationship at one time.
I am also a high school student, and I think that this is a very important question. The relationships that teenagers become involved in often become skewed and twisted, changing from magical sleigh rides to spiteful games played at the expense of the other person.
In my opinion, the best relationships are the ones in which the people that are part of it are taking care of themselves first and fore most. If you aren't healthy and happy, how can you make anyone any better? Lust is probably the worst way to begin a relationship. At least in forced marriages, there is a chance that you will be happy and love one another :) It is very, very rare to find two people who are happy in a relationship that was formed during the hormonial pangs of adolescent years.
Communication is a huge part of a good relationship. If the people in a relationship don't know how the other person feels, things can get very ugly. So many misunderstandings are caused by miscommunication and noncommunication. Letting the other person know how you feel about something is important. If you have misgivings about something, come out and say it. It will only get worse if you hold it inside of you. Trust your gut instict. Your intuition is never wrong.
TRUST
It's really hard if you and the other person don't agree on something and to have a relationship you need trust and if you don't have that you have nothing.
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